A Self Defense Lesson
by The HongKonger
Summary: Detective Noah Puckerman finds himself the victim of his partner who had decided he's an excellent candidate for being beaten up, all in the name of education of course!   One-Shot of our favorite NYPD Glee Detectives from the Undercover Series.


I was a detective. I had been in situations that people call life changing and I was a professional in all sense. I am trained to notice things that seem suspicious and how to handle a situation when a life (both mine or another) is in danger. Then how did I fail so miserably and at the hands of someone I should have sensed was plotting against me the moment she walked into work today.

It all started when I was at my desk, catching up on some paperwork and getting ready to prepare some lunch. My partner, Rachel Berry was unusually not sitting opposite me, instead, of talking to the latest recruit and former undercover case friend, Santana Lopez. While this was not completely unheard of, Berry was never one for lacking behind on paperwork and definitely not because she wanted to have a catch up session. She had been gone for over an hour but I supposed that she was helping Santana out with something although I was a little hurt that she had not come to me as well.

Then I received a text from none other than my clever and sweet partner, telling me to come meet me in the gym. I shrugged this off as a nothing more than Berry wanting to talk to me in private. So I abandoned my work to go to my partner like a good man and walked through the gym's doors like a whipped husband. I called out her name and next thing I know, the gym door slammed shut, Santana Lopez being the culprit of that maneuver.

"Santana, what's going on?" I said like a really bad movie protagonist. I knew whatever was going on, it wasn't a surprise birthday party.

"I thought it would be a good opportunity to show Santana a couple of the ropes," Berry's voice said from behind me. My partner was standing before me in sparring clothes and I immediately saw where this was going.

"And by ropes, you mean self defense?" I said.

"Quite possibly, so why don't you get in the start position," Berry said and in turn, she raised both hands in fists.

"I'm not exactly dressed for the occasion," I pointed out.

"Do you think that if we were facing a criminal, we would be wearing trainers and gym clothes?" She said although it was exactly what she was donning.

"Fine, bring it Berry. I don't want to hu-"

I found myself on the ground and Berry standing over me.

"Santana, this is exactly what you shouldn't do when facing a criminal. Crooks don't give a damn whether or not you're wearing the right clothing so don't bother bringing it up in a confrontation," Berry instructed Santana.

"Noted," she replied. I groaned and stood. How convenient that I hadn't stretched before getting thrown around the room. My muscles weren't going to be my friends tomorrow morning.

"Tired already Puckerman?" Berry said.

"Just warming up," I said with false confidence. Berry might be the shortest thing since short bread but she knew where to hit you, and she hit it pretty damn hard.

"Excellent, it would be disappointing if we had to cut this short," Berry said. God, she scared me sometimes.

"Disappointing indeed," I replied. I went back to a fighting stance and this time, I actually intended to cause some damage. I struck out first, fist aiming for her shoulder. Apparently my aim was off because it connected with an open palm. I then felt a fist impact my stomach, making me double over.

"Now, whenever they strike first, try and catch their punch. If you get the timing right, you won't get the full force of the punch. This is a good opportunity to retaliate so while they're stunned, try and get a punch or two, usually the abdomen," Berry said, completely oblivious to my pain. Okay, this was on. With her hand still around my fist, I quickly grabbed the hand and twisted her arm so her lecture to Santana was cut short.

"If you find yourself in this position, while they're busy lecturing to the criminal in training, try and loosen your grip and pull this maneuver," I said. Berry now had her arm twisted behind her back and now we were both facing away from Santana. Berry side stepped and caught her foot behind my knee and pulled. I lost balance and fell, and in my attempt to pull her down with me, she managed to slip out of my grip and roll away. I found myself once again on the floor and once again at the mercy of my pixie of a partner.

"Pulling yourself out of their grip is always a difficult part, especially if your attacker is supposedly bigger and stronger than you. Always use the element of surprise to your advanta-" I cut her off as I got to my feet and tackled her to the ground.

"-Advantage, just as I did. Once they're on the ground, always expect the unexpected. Do they have any weapons? Are you in a safe location. Can you call for help? If they are armed, be sure that your firearm is always within reach, if they are armed and you are not, try and remove the weapon from their possession. If the location you are in is unsafe, you have made a mistake in making a confrontation and finally, if you cannot call for help, try and figure out a way to do so as quickly as possible. The most important thing is not getting killed, not apprehending a target," I said while sprawled on Berry's back.

"So what if I am in your position and the attacker is female," Santana said.

"Fema-? Oh god," I said as realization hit me, the moment Berry's fist made contact with my groin.

"If your attacker is female, aim for the chest," Berry said, huffing a little. I rolled around on the floor in pain and through misty eyes, I swore I saw Berry smirk a bit. If my future children were deformed in any way, I knew who was paying for the medical bills.

"That was a cheap shot Berry," I growled, still on the floor.

"There are no cheap shots in a fight Puckerman, as you said before, your survival is the most important thing," she said matter-of-factly.

"Of course, my mistake," I said as I slowly stood and tried to keep my face straight.

"Well, it looks like Lunch is about to start. Thank you for helping me out Puckerman," Berry said with an appreciated smile.

"Yes, it's been really insightful," Santana nodded. She pocketed what looked like the NYPD notebook and walked out of the door after unlocking it. It seemed neither of them took any chances of letting me escape, not that I could've, this little brawl proved it. I also moved towards the door and I heard my partner follow me. Before I opened the door, I swung around and grabbed the petite woman and pushing her up against the cold door.

"Don't think I still couldn't take you on," I said dangerously in her ear.

"That day has yet to come," she said evenly although her breathing had sped up slightly.

"It will hit you when you least expect it Berry."

"Looking forward to it," she said and after catching a quick grin, found myself on the floor once again, my left foot and knee burning from being stomped and kicked. I watched through the closing gap of the door, my impossible best friend walk down the corridor.

* * *

><p><strong>Wow, a fanfic from me? What is this madness? Well, I've been in contact with several of my Undercover Gleekers and well, it seems that I've been too lazy and that I needed some motivation. So you know who you are! This was actually brought on by a PM from E.A.L so thanks for the sudden inspiration. I thought about a Rachel Military School thing but it seems like a lot of OC's would be required. <strong>

**Anyway, news on the final installment of my story, it's slowly chugging along. As most of you already know, the entire thing is going to be written before getting published here, just so I don't have as many continuity errors as the first two :D **

**THKer**


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